Who NOSE?

They say as you get older the only body parts that continue to grow are your nose and your ears…

I have a large nose.

Over the years, iv’e been called:

- Beaky

- Dustin hoffman

- Anne Frank

- Jew nose (no i didn’t go to school with Mel Gibson)

I want a nose job, but i don’t like the look of that gruesome giant nail file they go at you with. Everyone (my mum, because she has to) tells me my nose is fine and a new one would completely change my face, but what if i want to completely change my face? It worked for Jennifer grey didn’t it?*

What do you think? Is there any part of your body you would like to change… not just a passing thought i mean something you OBSESS over.

*Did she ever work again?

Tags: anxiety, body image, celebrities, depression, Fergie, fluoxetine, Jennifer grey, life, motherhood, nose job, Plastic surgery, rhinoplasty, Tyra banks

When does it stop being baby weight?

After my earlier ebay success (i count listing two pairs of shoes a success) ive started arranging my aforementioned dainty lady clothes.

Let me tell you a little bit about my dainty lady clothes…

Iv’e always fluctuated between a size 2-8 on top and 8-12 on the bottom, so i have many many cute tops and things as small as a 2 and possibly a ZERO! I’m now struggling between 14-16 ALL OVER, it’s horrific let me tell you.

It all started last January when i discovered i was pregnant and took that as my ‘careful eating get out of jail free card’ and as an employee of a well known bakers at the time, i was in the best place to start. I had cream cakes for breakfast, cream cakes after a pastry based lunch, a cream cake for the journey home and you know what i had after my dinner… you guessed it CREAM CAKES! Not just cream cakes though, i ate my weight in chocolate and cheese* and threw caution to the wind and drank milkshakes instead of water (the baby needed the calcium!!).

Of course i steadily gained weight but having never been pregnant before i didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary and i had BOOBS for the first time in my life, and it was kinda nice running around feeling like a woman in bloom, stopping for the odd cake and carrying on about my day all busty and jiggly like Beyonce and stuff.

So in October i dropped the sprog and instantly lost 7lb 15oz….AWESOME! this was going to be easy peasy….what i didn’t drop was my appetite and fondness for eating whatever i wanted!!

Nate was a super tearful baby, with terrible digestive problems so a lot of time was spent nursing him and cleaning up puke, along with all the regular difficult baby stuff like nappies and finding time to have a poop when you needed one (seriously). You’d think the weight dropped off wouldn’t you?? NOPE instead i was actually waking up in the middle of the night and eating bars of chocolate out of my bedside cabinet (Some women like to keep mechanical boyfriend replacements here, i personally like to keep sweets.)

I still do it now, i grab on the go…

Anyway, i refused to buy any larger lady clothes to replace my dainty lady clothes because i was convinced i would lose the weight after a month or two….WRONG.

So to stop a long story becoming a longer one, i’m selling my dainty lady clothes on Ebay so i can afford some larger lady clothes…..

I’m not fat, i’m CURVY.

*Not together, although i did like mixing honey loops with pringles at one point during pregnancy.

                                                                                                                                                         plus

                                                                                                                                                         Minus

                                             Equals

                                       Not such a dainty lady.

Tags: anxiety, baby, babyweight, clothes, depression, ebay, mom, money, motherhood, mum, parenthood, son, weight loss

Ebay, unemployment and conversations with a child.

Like i mentioned earlier i dont really know where to go with this thing anymore so iv’e made a decision…

I’ll just post my general day to day and hope for the best!

It’s never been anything profound and i doubt it ever will be but it’s the best outlet in a life that involves many one sided conversations with a 7 month old and a cat, they usually go a little bit like this:

Me: What shall i have for breakfast?

Baby: *looks at me like i’m speaking gibberish (which i suppose i am)*

Me: Ok i’ll have coco pops.

Baby: *looks at me like i’m a bit crazy (which i suppose i am)*

Me: Good idea, i love coco pops.

Baby: *looks at me as if to say ‘i don’t CARE’ (which i suppose he doesn’t)*

Exciting stuff eh?

I just listed my first ever items on Ebay… two pairs of shoes that i can’t bare to part with and yet iv’e wore each of them only once and each time i ended up hobbling home and putting my feet in the sink because my exceptionally wide feet are not build for dainty lady shoes, i’m just not that dainty a gal (more so with the extra 30 pounds iv’e gained*) so on that subject i will also be adding a bunch of dainty lady clothes soon.

I’m a bit scared of selling things on ebay in case someone leaves me bad feedback and i don’t handle any criticism well being a big nervo and all! Once i put some DVDS on amazon to sell and forgot all about it because it was registered with a different email to my main one and a couple of months later i checked and some people had decided to buy the DVDS and left an awful lot of messages that still wake me in the night in a cold sweat. So naturally i’m apprehensive, wish me luck!

I quit work yesterday and am now officially a stay at home mum, i won’t be claiming any benefits apart from tax credits so please don’t mistake me for a bum mum. It’s actually a lot harder than any job i have ever done in my life (And i have done some shitty hard jobs) so i’m not getting off lightly. I’m quite scared about this new chapter in my life, but i’m taking it as a chance to better myself and make a good life and happy home for my son.

Who’d a thunk it?

*Don’t mention it, it’s a sore (And flabby) subject.

Tags: anxiety, baby, depression, ebay, funny, life, mother, parenthood, son, stay at home mum, weight loss

Bedtime? PAH!

I found the best cure for insomnia, unfortunately it involves childbirth.

All i want to do is SLEEP, and my son has never slept longer than 4 hours in his 6 months on this earth! Only i can produce a child who looks nothing like me in any way shape or form but does in fact have an identical personality, one minute he’s laughing, the next he’s screaming the house down… why oh why can’t he be laid back like his daddy? Saying that… i’m so glad he didn’t get my nose!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

 ’Bed time’

Tags: anxiety, baby, cute, depression, funny, humor, humour, motherhood, parenthood

FRIDAY. (posted on Sunday)

FRIDAY!

Apparently we have to get down today and everyone’s looking forward to the weekend? So i’m led to believe anyway.

What does the weekend mean to you?

To me it means sleeping until 6:30am if my better half is feeling kind, maybe having a mid afternoon bath (A BATH!!) or even putting the dishes off for a day…. LUXURY.

Unfortunately the benefits of having two parents around means one of them has to do the chores, guess which one? So amongst the rare mid afternoon bath there is also:

A MOUNTAIN of laundry – 10 T-shirts for 5 days, HOW?

Floors to clean – How do i manage to make a perfect trail of tea/coffee from kettle to couch every time?

Sorting out the recycling – I always try to place the items into the recycling bin for fear of the neighbors thinking i have a drinking problem and subsequently calling social services, thus resulting in my son being taken away from me. (I’m dramatic, i also let my recycling pile up over a couple of weeks, hence the abundance of glass and cans… in case you were wondering*.)

Food shopping – The fridge is empty, i go and spend £50 in the supermarket get home and unpack – the fridge is still empty, HOW? (I mainly purchase low-fat snacks that prompt the odd midweek chocolate run)

Change the bed/cot – Nate likes to pee and puke on our bed A LOT (but only on his dad’s side which makes me happy). In retaliation whenever Nate produces a big bogey, Mark picks them and wipes it on my pillow and sommmmetimmmmmmmmes i don’t happen to notice until the next morning and they are stuck to my face ( i suspect mark throws some of his own manlier looking – for good measure )

So if you excuse me, i have to ‘get down’ to some serious cleaning and mothering… Nate has woken up four times screaming since i started writing this and each time i get upstairs to him he instantly stops crying and starts laughing!

HAPPY WEEKEND!

* Baby food jars and the odd wine bottle or two (I’ve now convinced myself that YOU are going to phone social services, thus resulting in my son being taken away from me**)

**Please refrain from doing so, i’m actually an awesome mum. I take Nate for walks in the park when he’s pissed off in the house and i haven’t had a chance to do my eyebrows, which may not seem like much but my eyebrows grow at an ALARMING rate and i can go from zero to yeti in three hours or less.

Tags: anxiety, blog, child, children, cleaning, crazy, depression, friday, housework, humor, humour, mum, parenthood, rebecca black, son

Writing, boredom and babies…oh my.

So my mum thinks i should start this thing again, i think she would be the only one to read it. Don’t get me wrong, i have more going on than i ever have and yet nothing at the same time.

The sheer amount of big things that happen when a child comes into the world is overwhelming, it’s hard to document. And if i close my eyes and think back to the days when my womb had no previous occupants, and my main daily concern was whether or not the postman woke me up or not…. i didn’t give two shits about other people’s children. I’m sure they’re cute etc but stop filling up my news feed with them for fuck sake.

Of course my daily facebook status updates consist of ‘Nathan just…’ Nathan has…’ or various pictures of Nathan doing amazing things such as, smiling, laughing or screaming. But what i find amazing is, I’m sure, just another baby to the majority of my friends. Don’t get me wrong he’s an amazing child…. but isn’t every child? Who wants to know the details?

Maybe it’s just me, I’m not the most maternal of women… for example the day i bought my pregnancy test i also bought a LARGE bottle of wine to drink as a diuretic and most importantly a SEDATIVE, The woman from whom i purchased said denial package gave me the filthiest look.

So that leaves me in a pickle, my blog was largely observational to my daily life. I generally poked fun at my shocking social skills and social anxiety, but i don’t get to indulge in mental illness now until 8pm when the baby goes to bed and i can get stuck in to a good old panic attack with my dinner.

So do i bother?

Tags: anxiety, baby, blog, denial, depression, humor, humour, mom, mother, mum, parent, son, writing

JUST DO IT!

It’s been 12 months, I can’t bring myself to do it.

I shouldn’t drag my heels so much, iv’e done it hundreds of times, it’s not like it’s going to hurt is it?
I can’t stand all the small talk, I’m more of a quiet participant…In and out that’s me do the business and keep quiet.

I think I’m still traumatised from last time, it was far too short for my liking but I never complained..I never do! After that I was pregnant and didn’t really fancy another attempt, I felt frumpy enough and didn’t fancy another disappointing session. Why do they always point out your dry bits and think they know what you want more than you do yourself?

So iv’e decided on tomorrow, hopefully it will be with someone nice who won’t talk to much and doesn’t charge me a fortune.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wish me luck for my new haircut.

Tags: awkward, baby, beauty, blog, embarrassing, hairstyle, humor, humour, sex

Belly like a burst balloon.

Exactly what the title says, i finally deflated on 20th october at 4:13pm.

Nathan looked like a little old man when he was born…

Easily the best thing that has ever happened to me!

He makes me laugh so much, he’s such a little dude….. A little dude who just woke up from his nap so i must dash for now!

 

 

 

 

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Tags: baby, birth, family, happy, nathan, pregnant

boys will be boys.

I wish I could say I’m sailing through my pregnancy with a warm glow and blooming body, but you know me.

i’m growing pretty fast now and it’s VERY overwhelming. I wake each morning and my hand instantly flies to my growing stomach and i swear i’m bigger every day! I feel quite awkward in myself physically, not my normal social faux pas just generally fat and clumsy.

Had a scan last week, my baby is pretty big… 3cm bigger than average!

My beautiful son <3

Work, amorous kittens and a growing stomach.

Please excuse my prolonged absence, as I mentioned in my last post I’m back in the land of the living (?).

It’s very tiring working with a bunch of women who’s main topic of conversation is each other. I find it exhausting taking it all in sometime’s, not to sound snobbish but it’s something I know I’m above. My bad choices landed me here though, so for the time being i need to put up and shut up.

I was actually made fun of by using the word ‘clarify’ a couple of weeks ago.

So to clarify, I don’t particularly enjoy my job. More on that later no doubt, I’m about to start another extended absence in a few months.

Which brings me nicely to my next point…

I won’t beat around the bush too much here, I’m getting fat.

Not only am I getting fat, I have developed a fondness for avocados (something I’ve never cared for). I eat a hell of a lot of yoghurt and if I don’t get my cherry coke fix daily (again something I never cared for), Heads roll.

I’m snappy, tearful and rather busty these days.

Meet my new love:

*puts on dramatic movie trailer voice* “DUE OCTOBER 19TH 2010, This years big hit”

The cat is in sympathy heat, she doesn’t let me sleep. I do intend to get her spayed as soon as i possibly can… but she’s QUITE annoying, she’s constantly meowing about someone called ‘LOOOOOOWEEEELLLL’ all hours of the night too.

Poor nona.

That’s it for now, I’m full of flu and had to leave work early. The only reason I had time to post!

Tags: baby, baby bump, cat, pregnancy, work