Slave to the grind

I’m back in work!! I am an officially functioning member of society once again. I get up, go to work, do my thing and get paid….MONEY, ACTUAL MONEY!!

Please don’t make the mistake of prematurely congratulating my achievement, it’s a god damned nightmare.

So let me tell you what’s going on…

I work for a fairly big food retail company in England (Not maccas or burger king). The benefit of working for a large company is being privileged enough to indulge in a mental illness with 28 weeks of some sort of benefit. My 28 weeks ended at the beginning of October therefore forcing me back in to employment. I was assured many times that i would be looked after and ‘eased in’ to this difficult change in my life. So I relaxed a little, safe in the knowledge that I would be watched over by my superiors, etc.

Never did I realise that being ‘eased in’ would involve being placed in the busiest shop in the city working for a manager that can only be described (politely) as unreasonable. See I’ve been placed in a shop where every single member of staff has a transfer pending due to the intolerable manager.

Is it wrong of me to see it as unreasonable placing someone who has been suffering depression and severe anxiety in this environment?

It’s true, I am just another robot contributing to the financial gain of the company on a minimum wage, I expect nothing less in such a job. Though surely if they wanted any kind of progress and lack of absence from me they would have placed me in a more stable environment, not somewhere the aged, stable and world-weary staff are driven to tears on a daily basis?

And that is the least of it.

Update of sorts.

Well then, at lot has happened since i last posted here.

I continue to write just never get around to putting it out there.

My laptop committed suicide, so that’s going to take a while to sort out, it’s quite devastating. I have been keeping a private journal for a while now and i lost it all.

I’m attempting prozac, i have no clue why nothing else works for me? Maybe i’m just one of those people? I am trying harder than ever though.

Other than that i have developed a strong fondness for watching shows on the internet, i’m now officially up to date with everything american time, which is pretty cool seeing as England gets everything six months to a year later! How awesome is Eastwick? I absolutely love discovering a new show, since i am still grieving charmed and sex and the city.

I am quite uninspired to make a proper post at the moment, losing all of my writing has been an unexpectadly huge set back.

Buy me some happiness.

So they say that money doesn’t buy you happiness. Who say’s that? Poor people that’s who. I’m not rich, not by a long shot. I’m not poor either… I’m comfortable (ish). I’ll be the first to accuse myself of being shallow so don’t bother.

I would like to wake up on a memory foam mattress in a brightly lit room with a balcony facing some picturesque scene, get myself a fancy coffee in a giant well fitted kitchen and drink it by the heated pool that is tended to weekly by a pool cleaner, surrounded by a garden full of various coloured gerbera’s of course also tended by a gardener weekly.

I’d like to spend my days writing my latest novel, eagerly anticipated by a stable fan base who like to send me wine and fan mail.

It’s never going to happen, I’ve made my peace with that. But HONESTLY do you think money can’t buy you happiness? Think of the things your life is lacking, make a list. How many of these thing’s are material?

So whoever said that money doesn’t buy you happiness was rich, short term or not I’d fucking kill for a memory foam mattress and a garden full of gerberas, shallow or not.

Block, what block?

I’m breathing a panic stifled breath of relief as the compulsion to write again is upon me. I’ve been troubled, more than usual. The words I type have no meaning to the thoughts in my head as I struggle to verbalise my thoughts or in fact put them into print.

It hit me late last night (or should I say this morning) a barrage of  thoughts, words, paragraphs and titles whizzing through my twitchy brain so much so I happily dusted off my neglected notebook and begun to write, and I wrote until my hand seized up. Mostly it was nonsensical but that doesn’t matter, my crutch is back and here I am WRITING!

My punctuation is poor, I know but I mean well. I got two B’s and a C in English at school because I winged it by using unnecessarily long words in my exams. The results may not seem like much of an achievement to a well educated person but it stood out like the haystack around the needle of F’s and D’s that I got in other subjects.

Generally there is no point in this entry. Just making a point to get it out there and get the wheels in motion for myself again….the block is over.

Birthday, Pictures and Blues busters.

Had a very busy couple of weeks, to summarize:

• A job interview that I was unsuccessful in due to my lack of confidence (so I was told).

• My 23^rd birthday, it was absolutely wonderful. Saw some old friends, had a little party, acted like a normal young woman and sailed through the night free from anxiety. On the actual day I was cooked a lovely meal by my mum and got to see my family all together which was lovely….Highlight of the day = being presented with a birthday pineapple complete with candle’s and the obligatory happy birthday serenade. (I LOVE MY MUM)
• Caught up on Monk, Americas next top model and Law and order <3.
• FINALLY (and apprehensively) watched twilight….More on that another day.

Started on a dose of blues busters that are making me terribly anxious at the moment, so sadly I have reverted to my old extremely anti-social and people fearing self. No matter though, I find the hurdle’s a lot less bumpy these days.

I may struggle with heading out right now but I know it’s all part of heading UP, apparently it’s the only way?

I’m neither here nor there, a bit less here and a bit more THERE.

Apologies for not writing sooner!

I have been on a bit of a…and it pains me to say this, an emotional roller coaster, See you tend to coin these phrase’s when you read too many women’s magazines and lurk on depression forums for six month’s.

I’m stopping and starting, stopping and starting. Ditched the booze obviously, as well as the Citalopram and decided to give life a go without the Rose wine tinted chemically altered glasses.

In true form to my ever growing list of bad decisions, this was top. I’m cool with the Alcohol thing, that hasn’t been a problem but stopping EVERYTHING suddenly has given me HELL.

One minute I am practically euphoric over the most inane thing like the enquiring tilt of the kittens head, The next it’s like i have suffered a bereavment upon discovering the cat wasn’t tilting her head enquiringly, she was tilting it in concentration as she shit on the floor NEXT to her litter box. Next it’s rage, “WHY CAN’T SHE AIM HER SMELLY FUCKING SHIT PROPERLY…WHY?”

Not to worry though, as it’s all forgotten an hour later. My memory has inconveniently placed itself in the shitter for the time being. My previously ‘kooky’ list making has turned into something compulsory for fear of forgetting to wipe my bum, or something equally important.

So i have been prescribed with PAXIL/SEROXAT and i’m going to give that a go as of saturday. Somehow the sweaty, appetite increasing and libido killing SSRI side effects don’t seem so bad when i’m crying over the kitten looking (what i imagine as) apologetically at me over aforementioned litter gate.

So for now, if i remember, I’ll dust off the rose tinted chemically altered glasses and hope for the best.

Drunken escapades and a farewell.

Thing’s I have done whilst drunk.

1. Decided to put dreads in my hair, enlisted a willing friend and went for it. It took 27 hours in total. Twenty seven hours of vigorous backcombing, two tubs of dread wax, four movies (to be specific) Starship troopers, Scarface, Se7en and Leon, two bottles of wine, numerous beers and four hours sleep. All pictorial evidence of this has been deleted long ago due to the fact that I looked like sideshow bob and spent the whole time in a beanie hat and two days in and out of a bath trying to comb it all out after only three months. I gave up and shaved most of my hair off.
2. Called an ex who was working in America for the summer to wish him happy birthday and spent 3 hours on the phone…My mum’s phone, only to discover a few months later I had disturbed him having sex with someone else.
3. Walked into a lamppost and got a mild concussion whilst waving to my soon to be better half whilst walking down the street with aforementioned ex.
4. Took myself to hospital in the middle of the night TWICE convinced I was having a heart attack, sat for four hours hooked up to heart monitors only to be told it was a panic attack BOTH times.
5. Threw up in a carrier bag.
6. Pierced my ears.
7. Fell into a Jacuzzi whilst running towards it at high speed in a pair of men’s shoes and sprained my wrist.
8. Mistakenly sent a text meant for my best friend to a man I was out on a first date with saying ‘He scares me, his teeth are massive and he keeps scraping the plate with his knife’….
9. Got a Mohawk.
10. Set fire to my braids (thankfully extensions I had put in after the dreadlock disaster) whilst lighting a cigarette on the cooker.
11. Threw a drink over my first boyfriend.
12. Shaved my eyebrows off because I was convinced drawn on ones looked hot…TWO days before my Eighteenth birthday thus leaving me with the worst party photos of all time.

That’s the most I can list as my mum reads this.

I haven’t done anything terribly bad, but as of today I have quit drinking. Not only is it a depressive but I have changed medication to a drowsier one and don’t fancy the consequences.

I am looking forward to a life of sobriety; maybe I can improve my confidence and shift a few pounds?  My problem skin can’t suffer much from it either right?

We have had some great times, we have had some bad times but my Baby booze it’s time for your marching orders.

It’s not me… It’s you.

Too many embarrassing moments for one day.

I have cut back on drinking and smoking, I have cut out meat and have been riding the bike a lot recently so have generally been feeling pretty tired. Still very much awake at night but I have occupied my time playing the Sims.

Apart from my exciting electronic life I’m leading as a Sim I have actually been very active, I’ve dragged myself out of the house a lot.

Went to the first game of the season (how I got into football I do not know) anyway, in typical Ann fashion there were a fair few unnecessary mishaps along the way, prepare to cringe on my behalf.

My better half and I support rival team’s in our city and he’s a real fanatic so there was no possibility of being accompanied to the game by him so I attended the game with his best friend (part of the wedding planner’s) who is also a fanatic but for my team so why the hell not?!

I do have a confession to make before I continue with the story, my REAL reason behind my desperate enthusiasm about seeing the game on Saturday. I have mentioned him before; my delicious little Spanish crush who just happens to play for the OTHER TEAM. I was like a kid at an N*Sync concert when he sauntered on to the pitch all olive skinned and hot headed, I had to curb it seeing as cheering the captain of the opposing team amongst a few thousand testosterone fuelled red faced gentleman would quite possibly not go down so well, but I digress.

Outside the football ground, all anticipation and false eyelashes   (WHAT? He may glimpse in my direction, stop the game and announce his undying love…you NEVER know) a kind looking old steward asks to check my bag, as I take it off my shoulder my mind is more in the direction of getting crushed after catching a glimpse at the narrow entrance and the turnstiles I was about to go through, I didn’t realise the giant ring to steward face ratio and WHACK…I punched the poor old man right in the eye knocking his bushy eyebrow all over his forehead. Thankfully he saw the funny side and was left relatively unharmed.

Now what else can go wrong?

I got stuck in the turnstile. Now I know I have passed comment on my weight gain but it hasn’t gone that far quite yet. In my haste to get through the turnstile and cheat a crushing death, I got my bag stuck and held up the whole queue.

SURELY it ended there, right?

Sat down after a couple of beers ready to set eyes on my Mediterranean love interest and all was going well, he was more handsome than anticipated and it was all very exciting. I put my fear of crowds to the back of my mind and was feeling excited….WE SCORED, I stood up, I cheered, I sung…now hold on, why am I the only one standing?

WE HADN’T SCORED.

So I sat down quickly, forgetting the fact that it was a flippy chair…thankfully the boy’s best friend caught me before I completely hit the floor and I sat in silence as my crush scored twice and my bladder got tighter and tighter.

Me: “I need to pee”

Friend: “twenty minutes until half time, can you wait?”

Me:  “sorry, yes”

Eight minutes later…

Me: “dude, I REALLY need to go now”

Friend:  (slightly red faced after yet another goal against us) “not long now, can you wait?”

Me: “mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm yes”

Twelve minutes later after five minutes extra time is announced…

Me: “I AM GOING TO PEE MYSELF”

Now I am guessing dear reader, that you think I peed myself at this point??

Man next to me: “GO THE FUCKING TOILET THEN”

Anyway we got beat 6-1 I was called a jinx more than once and received a phone call from my brother saying he will pay me to never ever go to another game because I was sending all sorts of teenage crush vibes to the rival team.
The sad thing is I think he was right.

SO there you have it, always an adventure, never simple.

What a day.

I got up this morning and painted two masterpieces, made some waffles and danced to some electronica. I was feeling pretty happy; I was asked to paint a medium sized picture for a local man’s office and was paid a lot of money when I delivered him the painting.

Afterward’s I attended a cooking class, inspired by this I bought some cooking books and travelled home via the beach for a spot of fishing. Would you believe I caught a salmon?

Got a call from Gus so after some hot dogs I went over to his house for a chat, he seemed to be finding me very amusing so I flirted a little, performed a song for him then gave him a hug. His girlfriend kicked me out for acting inappropriately, what a bitch! She won’t be benefiting from my great sense of humour or fantastic culinary skills anytime soon.

I decided to go home and throw a party; I put on my sexiest formal gear and blasted some tunes around the beach house, ordered pizza and patiently awaited the arrival of my guest’s by having a little peer through the telescope… I discovered a star!

Party went well anyway, the guest’s were very enthusiastic and seemed to enjoy my party animal tendencies, one of my guests died unfortunately but it didn’t seem to affect the party.

I ended the night by performing a song for my guests, followed by a relaxing bath and a restful sleep.

The Sims…I’m obsessed.

Thank you.

I’ve just watched a lovely inspiring video from my good friend Leslie:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpxUWujmn70

www.Mysmileisarifle.net

She is reading a wonderful book called “Success Talks: 101 Positive Things to Tell Yourself” by Lisa Wysocky. I’ve just tried to buy it on Amazon but as I’m not American I got a big fat NO. The book is basically what it say’s in the title, 101 positive things to tell yourself. As I cannot purchase the book I’m going to follow Leslie’s series of videos with positive thought’s taken from the book, follow suit and comment on them here every day.

I THANK THOSE WHO HAVE HELPED ME.

1. Mum:  My mum has worked hard to give me a good life; she has bent over backwards for me and brought me up with good values. She has helped me overcome great obstacles, always been a shoulder to cry on and a good listener and no matter what is going on has always put me first. She is my inspiration, the strongest woman I have ever met and she always looks fabulous!  I can only hope I grow up to be half as beautiful, clever, strong and inspirational as her, Thank you mum.
2. My Dad: My dad has always been a pal and it’s safe to say I’m a daddy’s girl, late night scrabble marathons when I have anxiety attacks, hot water bottles when I have cramps and keeping me in cigarettes. My dad also has the best taste in music and has taught me a lot over the years including many failed attempts at teaching me guitar, Thank you dad.
3. Mark: Mark is a constant positive light in my life, he always makes me laugh, and he makes me feel loved and supported. It can’t be easily living with someone who spends one week unable to get out of bed and the next rambling about a million outrageous ideas from painting the bathroom purple to my ever present need to cut my hair. He is the kindest soul in the world and my best friend. Without him I would be lost, Thank you mark you are the love of my life.
4. My friend’s of the internet: Our chat’s at night keep me going…
   Kevin: If Kevin lived in England I’m in no doubt that we would be inseparable best friends. I christened him ‘the voice of reason’ as he is always on hand to give some tough love and advice that (although not taken straight away) has always helped.  Although our conversations often get a bit heated as we are very similar stubborn wise, we have been friends for years now and hope we will continue to be friend’s and hopefully meet sooner rather than later, Thank you Kevin.
   Leslie:  My American long lost sister, I have never met anyone so similar to myself. Leslie is an inspiration to me with her undying strength and constant positivity. In the short time we have been speaking I have felt so much better with my depression knowing she is there and we always have such fun! Thank you Leslie.
5. Nona: Yes she is a cat, and this is pathetic but she is the best impulse buy of my life. She is calming, playful, charismatic and fun. Thank you Nona my violent little ball of fluff.

Depression is a battle, a battle i will win. I like to think of it as a strengthening life lesson that will teach me to be more compassionate, less judgemental of others and have a better outlook on life.

Without the people above, i would be lost.

And i sincerely thank you all, my stars.